Polyamory: the practice or support of, maintaining committed, romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one partner, in parallel or concurrently, with the consent of all involved partners.

Am I still poly? my mind was racing, waking me up too early with a question I never thought I’d ask myself. My body is still tired, my cat cuddled up next to me in bed, but I couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind is awake. Am I still poly? This is a question I never in a million eons thought I would ask myself. Being polyamorous (poly), had been part of my identity for the last 13 years of my life. I’d always felt that relationships should be open, even before I learned what poly was. If you don’t know what it is, don’t worry, I didn’t even know it was a thing until I was 27, and Sex work didn’t come into my life until I was 29.

Monogamy was the only form of relationship that I knew of growing up. The only relationship examples I had were my family, the evangelical Christian community I was raised in and of course, Disney movies played on repeat. The prince and the princess fall in love and they live happily ever after. Not the prince, the duke, the princess and her handmaid. I found my “prince” when I was 20 years old (who later turned out to be a villain) and we were married.

My marriage was shit from the start, but I loved him, and kept trying to make it work. I tried for 7 years. We cheated on each other, lied about it. Broke up and got back together several times, until I tried to come up with a solution for our bullshit. Why lie about wanting to fuck other people? Why not be honest with ourselves and each other? Isn’t that part of a healthy marriage; honest communication? Then, I saw an interview with a polyamorous couple on TV. My eyes got wide, my pulse quickened, excitement stirred inside me. I knew that’s what I had always wanted. I had cheated and been cheated on not just by my husband, but in past relationships as well. Why are we not being honest? If we love each other, let each other have the freedom to have outside relationships. As long as there is mutual respect, communication, boundaries and agreed upon terms; why sneak around and hurt each other, when we can be open?

I took the risk and asked my husband for an open marriage. He was furious. He did not comprehend the idea. Granted, I didn’t have all the words to explain exactly what I wanted. All I knew was, “open marriage.” We are allowed to see other people and not lie about it. I didn’t know how complicated polyamory can get. How to set it up in a way that worked for both of us. What terms to use or the different types of poly. My attempt to open our relationship failed, and so did our marriage.

Sex work knocked at my door two years after my divorce. It was a ticket to financial freedom and a way to satisfy my sexual appetite. My relationships with men had trapped me financially and sexually my whole adult life. Sex work set me free. Moving forward in my personal life, it became a requirement that anyone I dated had to be poly as well. I thought “I’m a sex worker, obviously I can’t be with someone who isn’t ok with me being with other people right?” At that point in my career, I had my personal relationships outside of work, but I would occasionally date a client. Hell, I lived with a client for 2 years and we had a full blown relationship. After that relationship ended, I decided to create a firm boundary to no longer date my clients. I keep my personal and work relationships separate. Keeping things professional has helped me grow friendships with my clients, instead of hurting each others feelings down the road.

Now, I have a boyfriend I love, we have been in a poly relationship for 4 and a half years. He’s rarely seen people outside our relationship and never truly dated someone else. I had a girlfriend for 9 months. Other than that, my work is the only time I fuck other people. I haven’t dated since my girlfriend and I broke up a year ago, and I have no desire to date. I feel like all my romantic relationship needs are being met (finally). I don’t have the time or the emotional capacity to see other people, even if it’s just casual. I may be poly, but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with jealously and possessiveness when my partner is with someone else. I respect him as an individual. I want him to have the freedom to live his life as he chooses. He rarely goes on dates, but when he does it cuts my heart into pieces. How the tables have turned.

Am I still poly? Am I’m actually thinking about telling my boyfriend that I want to be monogamous!? I don’t have the emotional capacity to sit here and know he’s on a date with someone else. It hurts in a way I’ve never experienced before. Why do I feel this way now, when I didn’t before? I don’t know the answer to this question and trust me I’m confused as fuck. You might be confused as well. How can I be monogamous if I have sex with other people for a living? Does my work count as seeing other people outside our relationship? My answer is no. I consider my work separate from my personal life. It’s my job, not a date. I’ve never asked my boyfriend how he perceives this. We’ve never had to discuss it since we’ve always been poly.

I know this is a conversation that needs to be had. I’m not sure how he’ll respond, but I know it won’t be with anger. We’ve worked through a lot of issues over the years and found solutions to complex problems before. I may have found my prince this time around. I know monogamy is a relationship dynamic that he didn’t sign up for, but I have to be honest about how I’m feeling, and honestly, I feel like I’m going crazy. 13 years ago I asked for polyamory and now I’m asking for monogamy. What changed? I guess I have.